Do You Know Your Core Values? (Part One)

Find out what core values are and learn about their importance in and out of the coaching room

Dear Reader,

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My first Substack Newsletter is about Values - what they are, why they are important and why you should know yours. Enjoy!

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Often, people come to a coaching session feeling like imposters, thinking everything is going well in their lives and there is nothing important to explore.

Spoiler Alert: There is always something to talk about in coaching and always some new insights to gain!

I recently saw Lucy, who is halfway through my Rediscover Yourself Coaching Programme. We had already spent a few sessions exploring how to advance and focus her career, when she contacted me to next cancel our appointment, saying “nothing new had happened” and she had “nothing to talk about”.

I suggested that we could spend the session finding out more about her core values.

Most of us are not aware of our core values. When asked, we might throw out generic words like peace, honesty, respect or fairness without giving much thought to what role these are actually playing in our lives. We rarely pause to consider whether other, perhaps more personal, values might be even more important to us.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

What are Core Values?

Core values are fundamental beliefs that are integral to our identify – to who we are and how we see ourselves, others, and the world around us. They are deeply ingrained guiding principles which shape our decisions, actions and attitudes and influence our behaviour and relationship with others.

Sounds important right?

Here are just a few examples of common core values:

• Adventure

• Love

• Connection

• Health

• Energy

• Fairness / Equality

• Wisdom

• Luxury

• Creativity

• Independence

• Learning

• Kindness

• Excitement

• Challenge

• Trust

• Security

• Honesty

• Openness

So Why Don’t We Know Ours?

It is maybe not surprising, that despite not consciously knowing our core values, we tend to subconsciously build our life around them.

If luxury/money is a core value, we may be drawn to work in finance. If freedom and independence matter most, we might end up selling surfing gear on a beach in Thailand.

The trouble is, we often only notice our core values when they are hurt or trampled on.

Ask yourself:

· What are the things that really annoy or upset you?

· Can you recall moments (even small ones) that trigger a disproportionally strong emotional reaction?

It is likely that one of your core values was being disrespected or ignored in those moments.

Let me give you an example: One of my clients identified loyalty as one of her most important values. That insight suddenly explained why she was so deeply affected by a close friend’s behaviour – something others may have shrugged off as trivial.

Seeing this clearly helped her to understand her own reaction and she made the conscious decision – aligned with her value of loyalty – to cut certain people out of her life.

Photo by Luca Nicoletti on Unsplash

Identifying Your Core Values

There are many lists of possible core values – some with 200 or even 300 options. You may find that many of those matter to you, at least to some degree.

Now comes the real challenge: Choose around six that trump all the others.

Let me give you one personal example: One of my core values is harmony. I feel truly awful when there is conflict in my life. I would also say that I also value honesty a lot, but if I am honest with myself, I often use little white lies to avoid tension and arguments.

There you go: I don’t’ like to admit it, but in my hierarchy of values, harmony beats honesty.

When explore your own core values, please keep one thing in mind. Your values are what you are, not what you think you should be or wish to be.

I would like my top value to be honesty rather than harmony… but this is not the truth of who I am.

Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

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Why It Matters To Know Your Core Values?

There are so many benefits to knowing our core values instead of stumbling around in the dark. When we truly understand who we are and what drives, live with more clarity, self-awareness and purpose.

Here are just a few key benefits:

1. Clarity in Decision-Making

Core values act as our inner compass - our own North Star.

When faced with a difficult decision or overwhelmed by too many options, our values can help guide us in the right direction. Making a decision aligned with what truly matters to us, will make it feel “right” and authentic, and we are far more likely to stand behind it with confidence.

2. Healthier Relationships

Knowing our own values and recognizing them in others can improve how you relate to people around you.

For example, my long-suffering, very tidy husband ended up married to a not-so- tidy wife. This used to cause a lot of conflict in our relationship. But when I began to understand that order is one of his core values, I started to see his reactions differently, with more compassion and perspective. (I am still untidy though ;)

Take a moment to think about any conflict you may be having with your partner, family member or friend. Could there be a mismatch of values at the heart of it?

3. Living Authentically

A life aligned with your true values feels more authentic and fulfilling.

Imagine ending up in a corporate job when all really want to do is help people… or working remotely when teamwork is important for your happiness.

It’s easy to slip into a life that doesn’t actually suit you, particularly if your core values have changed during the course of your life. What mattered most to you in your twenties might not be right for you in your forties or fifties.

That’s why it is important to pause now and then, reevaluate, and change direction if needed.

4. Purpose, Meaning and Motivation

Feeling your life has purpose and meaning is one of the cornerstones of happiness, health and fulfilment.

There may be times when we lose that sense, for example when we lose our job, when the kids leave home or when we reach midlife and ask “Is that all there is?”.

This is a great moment to explore our values, as it can reveal new paths to follow. When we prioritise activities that align with who we truly are, we experience a profound sense of purpose and motivation.

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In Part Two I will walk you through a step-by-step approach to discovering your core values and show you how you can integrate them into your daily life. I will illustrate this with the example of Lucy - straight out of the coaching room. So stay tuned!